Today I Am an Emotional Wreck

I went for a run to calm my mind, but I was running to beat the sunset, to avoid getting blinded by high beams as drivers flipped their lights up to be sure they didn't hit me- not realizing they were making everything invisible and thus increasing the chance of me tripping on something/myself and falling into their path.

I was running faster than usual. It hurt. It felt good. I felt strong, my thighs taking in the hills at a steady pace, my legs stretching to stride out when the road turned flat, my mind going over the day's events and approaching life with a powerful yet somber state of realism.

With the air so thick and the sky so grey, the grass looked like gravel and the trees looked dead. My feet hit on the pavement like a drum. I was drenched from sweat and fog, listening to a scratchy NPR in my headphones. The news had been traded for some exhaustingly sappy string quartet. Pretty, really, but my mood and the matching atmosphere seemed to leak their dismal into song.

Breathe easy, I remembered, closing my eyes for a short moment on a carless stretch and opening my chest.

There are no streetlights for the next half mile or so, and it was getting darker. I ran harder, feeling tears behind my eyes and the scream that had been mounting in my stomach nearing my throat. I hit the final hill and let my thighs burn, running to beat my own breakdown, to avoid getting blinded as vivid memories of making love to you hit me like high beams in the dark.

I was home. I paced in my driveway, my hands on my head, breathing, sweating. I stretched my shoulders. My eyes were calm. My throat relaxed. A tiny bit of sun still prevented the black from taking over. I smiled, walking inside with a resolute composure and pride in my speed.

I won.
.